Thursday, November 20, 2014

Your Internet Boyfriend

If your Internet Boyfriends were like your High School Boyfriends...

Channing Tatum: He’s the guy whose friends openly mock you. He laughs along with them, but later comes up to you when you’re alone to apologize. You’re touched and still offended and mostly confused so that when he suggests you make out, you say sure. He is hot and you're in high school. This happens maybe two more times before you stop talking to him altogether.

Verdict: You’ll probably watch Magic Mike 2 when it comes out on cable, but that’s it.

John Cho: You can’t believe your luck when he asks you out. He is so funny and hot and smart, but also quirky and weird in a way that makes your relationship even more intense. You feel like the only two people in the world. Everything is clicking, everything is perfect. Then his dad loses his job and has to move away. You write letters and keep track of each other online,  but after awhile it becomes clear you’ve both moved on.

Verdict: It wasn’t your fault they canceled Selfie. It had a terrible name.The reason you felt like you were the only two people in the world was because you were the only two people in the world watching it. Come back to Sleepy Hollow, John Cho. Even if you’re a slimy, demonic lizard creature with all pupil and no iris, we will make this work.

Benedict Cumberbatch: He’s so cool but awkward at the same time. He runs with the theater kids and you just can’t penetrate that group no matter how hard you try. You even join the debate team and Latin club just to be near him, but he never notices you. By chance, you bump into him at a walk-a-thon fundraiser event to benefit cancer research. He’s cordial and kind, but seems surprised you go to the same school. The next day he finally notices you in class (you have three together) and he waves. Your heart soars. You suggest he collect donations with you. He agrees. When he tells you about his Nan who passed away from cancer the year before, you both have tears in your eyes. He gives you a hug. You pluck up your nerve over the weeks of friendly comradery to ask him to prom. The look of pain on his face when he tells you no breaks your heart. He tells you he’s already going to prom with his girlfriend from another school. You suspect he’s lying, but otherwise, it’s the kindest rejection you’ve ever had. You stay hi and bye friends but it’s not the same. When prom rolls around you’re shocked to find out that he was telling the truth. He did have a girlfriend from another school. That school is Hogwarts and his date is Hermione Granger.

Verdict: You’re more hopelessly in love than ever.

Donald Glover: Everything is so amazing between you two. He’s hilarious and adorable and it feels like you’re going to be together forever. Then he tells you he’s leaving to focus on his music career. You stay Facebook friends and sometimes go over his pictures late at night. Sometimes he posts weird stuff and you worry about him. Whenever you call he says he’s fine, but you still wonder.
Verdict: If Childish Gambino is half as successful as “Werewolf Bar Mitzva,” everything will be okay.

Cillian Murphy: Things are hot and heavy between you for a while. He seems like a different person every time you meet. This is intriguing at first, then frightening. He disappears. You hear he’s moved to England, you’re not really sure. Suddenly he shows up at your doorstep and tells you he needs a place to stay while things “cool down.”  Your parents aren’t home, so you let him come upstairs to the half-finished attic. Things get weird fast. You get it on while he’s wearing one of your mom’s “skinny” dresses. This is the most bizarre thing that will ever happened to you, but it’s also the best sex you will ever have. (Adulthood will be a huge disappointment.)  You wake up sticky and alone, covered in glitter. Every time you hear a bump at night or find something out of place, you wonder if he is still living in your attic. When you think about it you get turned on and terrified in equal measure.

Verdict: The next time you visit your parents’ house, check the attic.